Today's Question: "I want my partner to have the best sex every time we're together, but I'm not exactly comfortable/sure how to talk to her about it. How do you start a conversation when your pride is potentially on the line?"
Communication is key. Isn't that what we're always being told? And yet why is it so difficult? I think you've nailed this one on the head reader--putting yourself out there is hard! What if her response is less than positive? What if she says you're great but is really just afraid to tell you what she wants? Or even scarier what if she doesn't know what she wants?
You're already way ahead of the game in that you are thinking about this question--that is step one. Now for step two there is a fork in the road and you can decide to approach the subject one of two ways.
1. Talk to her while you are fooling around/engaging in sexual activity. Try something--a lick, a kiss, a position and ask "is this ok?" or "do you like that?" or "show me where to put my _____." You could also ask her to take the lead and say "today I won't do anything unless you direct me..so tell me where to go and what to do and I will follow!" She may enjoy being in control and that may give you hints to what turns her on.
2. You can talk to her when you are not engaging in sexual activity or foreplay. Just ask matter-of-factly what she likes. When you are watching TV, or on the phone, ask her what feels good when you guys are getting down to business. "Baby, what is the hottest thing we've/I've done while we are making love?" or ask her "when have you been the most turned on lately?" You may even want to try a little phone sex as that will give her the opportunity to describe in words what she finds sexually appealing.
Perhaps the most preferable is that you talk BEFORE you even engage in any sexual activity...try to figure out what she likes before you get into things.
Overall, asking these questions may seem awkward at first but it will get easier, and she will really appreciate you opening the door! But remember, she may not know exactly what she likes or wants either. And she should take the time to explore a little on her own, and try different things with you. Together, you will figure out how to have an awesome time!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Ouch! That's my cervix!
Today's question: "Lately I have been bleeding a little after sex. My boyfriend's penis is very long and I think he might be hitting a sore spot way in the back because it hurts when he hits it. What should I do so we can have less painful sex?"
Reader, the spot that you are describing is most likely the tip of your cervix. The cervix is the entrance to the uterus and it is located at the "end" of the vaginal canal (where the penis is entering you). Click here for a diagram. Most men do not reach the cervix with their penis, but occasionally simply based on the fit of the two people engaging in vaginal sex, the penis may hit the cervix and cause discomfort or pain. Usually, the easiest thing to do to avoid this it to change positions...in general certain positions will give his penis more or less contact with the cervix. For example, I would avoid "doggy style" (where you are on your hands and knees, lying down, or on knees sitting up and your partner is entering from behind you) generally this angle may be more likely to hit the cervix. Try "missionary position" (where you are facing each other and lying down). Also how well lubricated are you? because chafing (the rubbing together of skin which resulting in irritation) may be causing a little bleeding after sex. If the bleeding continues though or becomes more frequent, definitely go to your gynecologist or a local clinic as irregular bleeding can be a sign of an infection or other abnormality. If you need to use a lubricant there are many out there you will have to experiment to find which is right for you. Try to avoid spermicidal ones though as many people are allergic to them and they tend to irritate the vagina more.
If your body is not quite "ready" for sex--that is your vagina has not had time to lubricate and you perhaps do not feel sufficiently "turned on" (a high feeling of sexual arousal)-- your cervix may not pull up the way it usually does when you are well lubricated. Make sure you take time before your partner enters you to engage in some foreplay--come up with ways of engaging with your partner that will heighten your sexual arousal before beginning vaginal intercourse. Basically figure out what turns you on and be ready to try different positions and find what works for you!
Reader, the spot that you are describing is most likely the tip of your cervix. The cervix is the entrance to the uterus and it is located at the "end" of the vaginal canal (where the penis is entering you). Click here for a diagram. Most men do not reach the cervix with their penis, but occasionally simply based on the fit of the two people engaging in vaginal sex, the penis may hit the cervix and cause discomfort or pain. Usually, the easiest thing to do to avoid this it to change positions...in general certain positions will give his penis more or less contact with the cervix. For example, I would avoid "doggy style" (where you are on your hands and knees, lying down, or on knees sitting up and your partner is entering from behind you) generally this angle may be more likely to hit the cervix. Try "missionary position" (where you are facing each other and lying down). Also how well lubricated are you? because chafing (the rubbing together of skin which resulting in irritation) may be causing a little bleeding after sex. If the bleeding continues though or becomes more frequent, definitely go to your gynecologist or a local clinic as irregular bleeding can be a sign of an infection or other abnormality. If you need to use a lubricant there are many out there you will have to experiment to find which is right for you. Try to avoid spermicidal ones though as many people are allergic to them and they tend to irritate the vagina more.
If your body is not quite "ready" for sex--that is your vagina has not had time to lubricate and you perhaps do not feel sufficiently "turned on" (a high feeling of sexual arousal)-- your cervix may not pull up the way it usually does when you are well lubricated. Make sure you take time before your partner enters you to engage in some foreplay--come up with ways of engaging with your partner that will heighten your sexual arousal before beginning vaginal intercourse. Basically figure out what turns you on and be ready to try different positions and find what works for you!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Talking to Kids about S-E-X
Today's Question: "I know that when I have children, I want to be open with them about sex. I also want them to feel comfortable with their bodies and excited about exploring them. I want sex to be about fun, connection, and discovery (and obviously safety-using condoms etc)--not this "adult" thing cloaked in mystery and darkness. When do you think is a good age to start talking about those things--sex, masturbation, etc. with children?"
From the moment they are born, Reader! The more you can do to take the mystery out of sex, the less stigma it will have in your children's minds, and the more likely they are to have healthy relationships with their bodies, their future partners, and with you in the future. There are an amazing number of books out there nowadays that are made for little ones and the discussion of sex and sexuality. Do a quick google search and you'll find Amazon loaded with them.
But here are some things to keep in mind:
1. It is important to not stigmatize body parts. Try using the real names for sexual organs and not just "pee pee" or "private part." If your child learns the real word for vagina, penis, or breast s/he will be more likely to mature with a healthy attitude towards sexuality. It's okay to teach your children to cover up but don't act like a two year old who takes his diaper off is an exhibitionist.
2. Don't freak out if your child touches him or herself in the genital area...infants, even fetuses, have been known to touch themselves in the genital area. Scientists aren't exactly sure of the reason but most likely it is for comfort and as the child get slightly older, for pleasure as well. Therefore, in terms of when to talk about masturbation...whenever your child brings it up or you see her touching her genital area might be a good time.
One way to discuss the "privacy" aspect is to explain to your child that the same way picking one's nose is fine but considered "rude" in public, so is stroking one's penis to be done in a private area (like his bedroom or the bathroom.
3. When children ask where babies come from, no matter what age don't shy away from the question/get flushed in the cheeks/tell them to ask their teacher. Answer them! Explain that men and women have slightly different bodies, and each of the bodies has specific things that when put together can create a new person. But just like a chicken in its egg, a baby does not just pop into existence but must grow inside its mother's womb for nine months. Don't be afraid to use the words sperm and egg...you can tell them that men make sperm and women are born with all the eggs they will have in a lifetime...these are pretty cool scientific facts! That said, don't feel like you have to unload the whole story (from menstruation to masturbation) all at once. Sex is somewhat complicated and multi-faceted so feel free to introduce different ideas over time.
Also, don't be afraid to explain to your children that you and your partner (if you have one) are sexual beings; that sex can be a healthy and enjoyable part of a human relationship and is something that children should feel free to ask questions about at anytime.
When all else fails...email Shira and she will do a presentation for you :)
From the moment they are born, Reader! The more you can do to take the mystery out of sex, the less stigma it will have in your children's minds, and the more likely they are to have healthy relationships with their bodies, their future partners, and with you in the future. There are an amazing number of books out there nowadays that are made for little ones and the discussion of sex and sexuality. Do a quick google search and you'll find Amazon loaded with them.
But here are some things to keep in mind:
1. It is important to not stigmatize body parts. Try using the real names for sexual organs and not just "pee pee" or "private part." If your child learns the real word for vagina, penis, or breast s/he will be more likely to mature with a healthy attitude towards sexuality. It's okay to teach your children to cover up but don't act like a two year old who takes his diaper off is an exhibitionist.
2. Don't freak out if your child touches him or herself in the genital area...infants, even fetuses, have been known to touch themselves in the genital area. Scientists aren't exactly sure of the reason but most likely it is for comfort and as the child get slightly older, for pleasure as well. Therefore, in terms of when to talk about masturbation...whenever your child brings it up or you see her touching her genital area might be a good time.
One way to discuss the "privacy" aspect is to explain to your child that the same way picking one's nose is fine but considered "rude" in public, so is stroking one's penis to be done in a private area (like his bedroom or the bathroom.
3. When children ask where babies come from, no matter what age don't shy away from the question/get flushed in the cheeks/tell them to ask their teacher. Answer them! Explain that men and women have slightly different bodies, and each of the bodies has specific things that when put together can create a new person. But just like a chicken in its egg, a baby does not just pop into existence but must grow inside its mother's womb for nine months. Don't be afraid to use the words sperm and egg...you can tell them that men make sperm and women are born with all the eggs they will have in a lifetime...these are pretty cool scientific facts! That said, don't feel like you have to unload the whole story (from menstruation to masturbation) all at once. Sex is somewhat complicated and multi-faceted so feel free to introduce different ideas over time.
Also, don't be afraid to explain to your children that you and your partner (if you have one) are sexual beings; that sex can be a healthy and enjoyable part of a human relationship and is something that children should feel free to ask questions about at anytime.
When all else fails...email Shira and she will do a presentation for you :)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Saving Planned Parenthood
New video by Wesleyan students lays out the truth of the matter:
Planned Parenthood provides lifesaving cervical and breast cancer screenings, sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing and treatment, contraceptive services, and safe haven for women and men who need healthcare and counseling, especially in low-income areas.
Join the fight to save Planned Parenthood...spread this video and its message.
Planned Parenthood provides lifesaving cervical and breast cancer screenings, sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing and treatment, contraceptive services, and safe haven for women and men who need healthcare and counseling, especially in low-income areas.
Join the fight to save Planned Parenthood...spread this video and its message.
Vagina Monologues was created for a reason!
Today's question: "How can I start feeling better about my vagina? I feel like it is gross and completely unsexy. The idea of a sexual partner going down on me or even looking at it makes me squirm."
Reader, say it with me now: "my vagina is awesome!" Think about all the things it can do? Self lubricate, self-clean, handle foreign bodies inside of it, stretch and shrink, usher in new life--it's a really versatile body part! And what many women do not realize is that their partners LOVE their vaginas too. You might be surprised to know how many men (and women) are attracted to the idea of simply turning you on. Since the vagina is the locus of sexual arousal for most women, that means that partners are attracted to that very spot that makes you squirm. Think about it...the clitoris, which sits snugly slightly above your labia (the vaginal "lips") is a hot spot of nerves and pleasurable sensation. So if you think about it that way---that your partner is EXCITED to explore your vagina and see what s/he can do to turn you on--that might help you give the girl a little love.
But don't feel bad if it takes some time for you to become acquainted with this more elusive part of your body. In society today we are trained to see our external sexual organs as something to be ashamed of, something to hide. That stigma stays with us as we grow up and unfortunately female genitalia has gotten a particularly bad rap throughout history. So I would encourage you to slowly become acquainted with your vagina. Try taking out a small mirror, sit on the edge of the bathtub or bed and use the mirror to have a good look at your vagina. I would even encourage you to look at pictures of vaginas so that you see they come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. The more you expose yourself to the image, the more you will take the stigma out of it.
You can even check out a Georgia O'Keefe painting if you are feeling like the vagina is "weird" because she has a way making flowers into sex organs and vice versa! And they are beautiful works of art.
Finally, I would encourage you to get to know your vagina, and what makes you feel good before having a partner explore the area. That way you can direct him/her and let your partner know exactly what you like. Communication is sexy and we cannot communicate what we don't know. So go forth reader and explore!
Reader, say it with me now: "my vagina is awesome!" Think about all the things it can do? Self lubricate, self-clean, handle foreign bodies inside of it, stretch and shrink, usher in new life--it's a really versatile body part! And what many women do not realize is that their partners LOVE their vaginas too. You might be surprised to know how many men (and women) are attracted to the idea of simply turning you on. Since the vagina is the locus of sexual arousal for most women, that means that partners are attracted to that very spot that makes you squirm. Think about it...the clitoris, which sits snugly slightly above your labia (the vaginal "lips") is a hot spot of nerves and pleasurable sensation. So if you think about it that way---that your partner is EXCITED to explore your vagina and see what s/he can do to turn you on--that might help you give the girl a little love.
But don't feel bad if it takes some time for you to become acquainted with this more elusive part of your body. In society today we are trained to see our external sexual organs as something to be ashamed of, something to hide. That stigma stays with us as we grow up and unfortunately female genitalia has gotten a particularly bad rap throughout history. So I would encourage you to slowly become acquainted with your vagina. Try taking out a small mirror, sit on the edge of the bathtub or bed and use the mirror to have a good look at your vagina. I would even encourage you to look at pictures of vaginas so that you see they come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. The more you expose yourself to the image, the more you will take the stigma out of it.
You can even check out a Georgia O'Keefe painting if you are feeling like the vagina is "weird" because she has a way making flowers into sex organs and vice versa! And they are beautiful works of art.
Finally, I would encourage you to get to know your vagina, and what makes you feel good before having a partner explore the area. That way you can direct him/her and let your partner know exactly what you like. Communication is sexy and we cannot communicate what we don't know. So go forth reader and explore!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Condoms and Oral Sex
Today's Question: "I'm fairly certain a lot of people don't wear a condom when giving blow jobs. Should they? And if so...why? I mean, I know you can get STDs from that..but having that conversation is really awkward."
Well reader, you certainly have me starting out of the gate on a tough one! In terms of public health, the standard answer I should give you is YES! you should always try to protect yourself when you can and that means using a condom or dental dam during oral sex. However, we all know, that unfortunately, as you said, it is not necessarily common practice for people to engage in "safer" oral sex these days. The truth is, transmission (the passing on of a virus or infection) is much lower for oral than anal or vaginal sex, especially if the mouth of the person giving oral sex does not have noticeable cuts.
But, transmission of STIs is still possible. The big one to think about is herpes--a virus that is the most common STI out there. If your partner has oral herpes (herpes in his/her mouth) s/he can pass that on to your genital area. HPV is another one that can be transmitted during oral sex, though the HPV vaccine--if you've taken all three shots-- will eliminate that risk. Every woman should get the vaccine! And hate to tell you, but chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV are all transmittable through oral sex, though again the rate of transmission tends to be lower in oral sex. I should also say that you can still contract herpes skin-to-skin even if you use a condom so doesn't that stink!
Now let's talk about the "awkward" factor. Yeah it's awkward to talk about sex...but do you really think you should be having sex (oral or otherwise) with someone, if you don't even feel comfortable talking to them about it? Communication is a big part of sex. And so is self-confidence! So feel good enough about yourself to feel like your questions are worth a moment of pause. If you don't know the person really well you might just start out by asking "so what's your history with guys/girls?" or "when was the last time you were tested?" these may sound like awkward questions but they're really not and they could help you make the right decisions for yourself.
Your best bet? Get to know your oral sex partner...or at least their sexual history before you get down to business. See if s/he has been tested recently and if they're hooking up with anyone else. These factors will influence your decision.
If you have a partner who has been tested and who is only engaging in sexual activity with you, (and you have been tested too!) then I would say it is safe to consider using no condom...and oral sex can be a fun way to engage in sexual activities wit no risk of pregnancy (for those straight couples out there.)
Plus, they make some interesting flavored condoms and dental dams these days so go find some fruity protection! (Make sure you use un-lubricated condoms for oral sex.)
Well reader, you certainly have me starting out of the gate on a tough one! In terms of public health, the standard answer I should give you is YES! you should always try to protect yourself when you can and that means using a condom or dental dam during oral sex. However, we all know, that unfortunately, as you said, it is not necessarily common practice for people to engage in "safer" oral sex these days. The truth is, transmission (the passing on of a virus or infection) is much lower for oral than anal or vaginal sex, especially if the mouth of the person giving oral sex does not have noticeable cuts.
But, transmission of STIs is still possible. The big one to think about is herpes--a virus that is the most common STI out there. If your partner has oral herpes (herpes in his/her mouth) s/he can pass that on to your genital area. HPV is another one that can be transmitted during oral sex, though the HPV vaccine--if you've taken all three shots-- will eliminate that risk. Every woman should get the vaccine! And hate to tell you, but chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV are all transmittable through oral sex, though again the rate of transmission tends to be lower in oral sex. I should also say that you can still contract herpes skin-to-skin even if you use a condom so doesn't that stink!
Now let's talk about the "awkward" factor. Yeah it's awkward to talk about sex...but do you really think you should be having sex (oral or otherwise) with someone, if you don't even feel comfortable talking to them about it? Communication is a big part of sex. And so is self-confidence! So feel good enough about yourself to feel like your questions are worth a moment of pause. If you don't know the person really well you might just start out by asking "so what's your history with guys/girls?" or "when was the last time you were tested?" these may sound like awkward questions but they're really not and they could help you make the right decisions for yourself.
Your best bet? Get to know your oral sex partner...or at least their sexual history before you get down to business. See if s/he has been tested recently and if they're hooking up with anyone else. These factors will influence your decision.
If you have a partner who has been tested and who is only engaging in sexual activity with you, (and you have been tested too!) then I would say it is safe to consider using no condom...and oral sex can be a fun way to engage in sexual activities wit no risk of pregnancy (for those straight couples out there.)
Plus, they make some interesting flavored condoms and dental dams these days so go find some fruity protection! (Make sure you use un-lubricated condoms for oral sex.)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Welcome to "Questions for Shira"
Hello and welcome! You have entered a judgment-free zone where we believe that knowledge is power! The author of this site is here to answer your questions about sex, love, relationships, and any other topics that comes to mind. She is the former co-director of Sex Week at Yale, and a former Group Head for Community Health Educators--a program which provides health education to New Haven public school students. She has also worked for Planned Parenthood and the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States.This blog is a space for students, parents, and people of all ages and backgrounds to find answers to difficult questions on life's most complicated topic. So go ahead...ask away. Examples: "Do I need to be 18 to buy a condom?" "How do I talk to my 12 year old about HIV?" "Are you still a virgin if you use a tampon?" "What is an HPV vaccine and why should my daughter get one?" "How do I come out to my best friend?"
Email your questions to questionsforshira@gmail.com and find and check back on the blog for an answer and advice. If you are interested in having Shira teach a workshop on sexual health or healthy relationships please email the address above.
Email your questions to questionsforshira@gmail.com and find and check back on the blog for an answer and advice. If you are interested in having Shira teach a workshop on sexual health or healthy relationships please email the address above.
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